Connie in Texas

My experiences are mine. My decisions were, and are, mine. Each woman has the right to choose without judgment from anyone.
In 1980, I was working full time evening shift as a ward clerk in an emergency room. During the day, I attended nursing school full-time…..a very busy life. Yet, still, I dated AND took my birth control pills every day…not at the same time, but every day none-the-less.
My thought was, if I did become pregnant, despite taking the pill, that I would have an abortion. I was, and am still pro-choice. I even discussed the subject with the man I was dating, Then, of course, I became pregnant, and suddenly, the decision was a lot more complicated than it had seemed.
In 1957, when my mother was pregnant with me, she was offered a “therapeutic abortion.” This was before Rhogam and I was her third pregnancy, she was RH negative and her first two children were RH positive. The story went that when the second child was born, that the baby had to have a complete blood transfusion. Doctors assured my mother that to give birth again, would be to have a profoundly difficult pregnancy and almost certain death for the baby and possibly her as well. She said “no.” The first two children were by one father and I was by another.
I, of course, turned out to be RH negative. Through a serious of unfortunate incidents, and no fault of my birth mother (other than extreme fertility) my sisters and I ended up in foster care and were all adopted into different families. The abuse we each suffered was traumatic, both in foster homes and adoptive homes. When I was 18, I had my file opened and located my birth family. We all struggled with the choices of pregnancy.
So, here I was, pregnant. I had dated the guy about 3 months, was working full time and in nursing school full time…how could I do this. When I told the father of the pregnancy, he looked at me and said “So, you are going to have an abortion?” I replied, “I don’t think I can do that” He looked aghast and said, “I don’t want to get married!” My reply was “I don’t want to get married either!”
Because my life was complicated enough, I decided to eliminate one source of stress and told him that I would have the child, raise it and he was off the hook. We never spoke again.
Fast forward 3 years. I had married, and now had two children. I had married an alcoholic (note to all, if the man’s best friend suggests that you shouldn’t marry the man….DON’T!) and was working full time supporting us and he was taking care of the kids full time. My days off were spent doing housework while he went out with friends and I realized that it would be cheaper to pay a baby-sitter than to keep him supplied with alcohol and pipe tobacco. I exchanged letters with a friend back home and we hatched a plan to each divorce our worthless husbands and become room-mates. We would work opposite shifts and take care of the kids.
And…. I found out I was pregnant. No one supported me about the pregnancy. The husband wanted an abortion, “We can’t afford another child.” “you mean, *I* can’t afford another child.” I replied. The potential roommate wanted me to abort, “This changes everything, an abortion isn’t that bad.” My co-workers, “are you crazy?”
I couldn’t have one, I knew the outcome of a pregnancy, I had two fantastic children and couldn’t have an abortion. At my son's birth, I had a tubal ligation. I stayed with my husband until my 3rd child was 6 months old, THEN I separated. Ironically, my third child was RH negative, while my first two were RH positive. My children are grown, and my daughter became pregnant while on birth control pills. She, too, struggled with the choice. Like me, she had dated the man for a brief period of time and had thought that if she did become pregnant, she would have an abortion. Then she thought of adoption and my experience through adoption caused her to reject that as an option. There were many conversations, lots of tears, fears of how she would handle a child and many other discussions.The result of her choice is that I am now a NaNa. A grandaughter. One day, she, too, will probably have a choice to make. When that time comes, her mother and I will be there to support, console and stand beside her. When that time comes, it will be HER choice, whatever that choice may be, it will be HERS to make.